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Marilyn Manson - Eat Me, Drink me.

What can be said about Manson that hasn't been said before? (Answers on a postcard)

Manson is a keen bowler and has won a number of bowling tournaments with Michael Moore.

He says that he is a mix between Marilyn Monroe and Charlie Manson. This is true, as he is a film legend who killed herself and also runs a cult, whom he murdered. The name is quite appropriate.

Every song on this album feels like the last song on an album. It never kicks off and always stays in second gear. You feel that he has just completely run out ideas now that his act doesn't shock people and he isn't constantly being banned anymore. He is fading into the background and the fact that I didn't even know that he had released another album does prove this.
The album is mediocre at best and I feel that Marilyn's career has been going steadily downhill since 'Some like it hot'.

Listen to this album: 10 years after you shot up a school

Pitbull - The boatlift

Rap album by someone with nothing to say

Pitbull woke up one day and thought, "I want to be a rapper." but little Pitbull did not have any tracks, and so set to writing a rap album.
"But I have nothing to say." he thought "How am I supposed to write an album when I have nothing to rap about? I'm sure it doesn't matter, it's all words and I know words. It can't be that difficult"
And so he set to work on writing the album.

End result. A weak attempt that doesn't speak to you on any level. It doesn't even inspire you to wipe your behind after defecating. I needed to listen to some other music to get the enthusiasm to write this.

I can imagine the scene: A young man in America is driving along listening to some ganger rap, ready to shoot someone, he pulls up, pulls out his gun when suddenly, a Pitbull song comes on on the radio, and suddenly, the young man with the gun can't find the energy to pull the trigger and just sits there with a vacant gaze.

Listen to this album: When you want to feel uninspired.

42%

Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells

Mike Oldfield was born in a field without a voice and developed a language that would later be used by Jimmy Hendrix and Eric Clapton in music, but Mike originally developed it as a way to communicate.

The album was originally titled "Tubular Belly" and was about how Mike was facing obesity problems, but the title was changed after he had slimmed down slightly. The title "Tubular Bells" was then put in, as a tribute to the dumbbells and barbells that had assisted him with his weight loss.

The album screams "THIS WAS MADE IN THE 70s" at you in tones louder than the track itself, and thus you must listen with open lug'oles to hear the true beauty within.

Rocking guitar follows plickyness and jamtastic riffage rocks you to hell.

Listen to this album: When off to chase daemons away from the bodies of virgins

83%

Westlife - Back Home

I've listened to less than a minute of this and I'm already squirming to turn it off.

"I want to go home" they sing..."Please do" I reply.

Westlife are one of the few bands that make me want to stick pins in my eyes.

A list of other things I would rather be doing rather than listening to this:
1.Chewing on tin foil
2.Snorting chili powder
3.Peeling my fingernails off

Every new line that pierces itself into my rather open mind, makes me want to buy a ticket to a gig, get there really early, so that I can get to the front then lob a brick at each member of the band.

They make me physically sick and I really do not understand why anybody would want to subject themselves to this torture.

I find myself not wanting to write such a negative review, I am looking for something to praise...but there is nothing.

Most of the lyrics seem to relate to the fact that they don't expect anyone to buy the album, and that they are rightfully hated by everyone, and the few people who may actually buy this album are in a little Westlife club of about 10 people.

There is virtually no merit to this music.

I managed until 3:16 of the 5th track before a couldn't take it any more.

Listen to this album: If you want to end up harming yourself.

22%

Kylie Minogue - X

A shoe-in sympathy No. 1 for the pop princess.

This is Kylie's first album since her terrible turmoil where she developed alipecia. Instead of admitting to this and incurring the wrath of the public, in such a way as Gail Porter, she chose to blame cancer, in order to receive the pity of the people and shoot to an inevitable top spot.

Kylie was seen as a hero in the world of women's boobie cancer checking, many women under the impression that "If it can happen to Kylie, then it can happen to me" in much the same way that people thought after James Dean died in his car crash, or Kurt Cobain after he was killed by Courtney Love.

The album is a poptastic as you would expect and makes me want to pull this face









and bob my head up and down.

So get your clap hands read and your bopping head on and get ready.

Listen to this album: On a bus with a dozen primary school teachers.

78%

Mudvayne - For the people, by the people.

I know that Mudvayne are people, yes, but are they THE people?
I am part of people and I didn't pick the tracks on this album and so this title is a lie. FTP,BTP is a compilation of demos and live tracks picked out and put on an album, with some recent tunes rammed up it's backside. If you already own Mudvayne albums, then just go and listen to them instead, as they contain final versions of the songs on this album. If you don't own a Mudvayne album, then go and get them, but not this one, go get the others.
The only reason to get this album is if you kind of like Mudvayne but have never bothered to buy an album, but now you want to but can only afford one but don't get this one.

A very lazy effort by the 'Vayne

Listen to this album: To remind yourself of which Mudvayne songs are good.

61%

Blonde Redhead - 23

This is the first album to be made by humans that have been made by robots.
The robots were put in charge of making humans that would play nice music. The robots were successful but they had a problem with the naming of the band. They were aware that a blonde lady would be perfect to front the band, but they had made the hair out of cheap iron, that had gone rusty. So they named the band Blonde Redhead, to try and confuse consumers into not hating the band for their ginger band member, not realising that people would enjoy a band with a sexy front lady, no matter what her hair colour.

The track "My impure hair" shows how the robots misunderstood the power of hair.

This album is...nice. There's nothing particularly wrong with it, it's just a bit boring with nothing really to capture your imagination, as you would expect from a band created by robots. It has it's merits, but I found that I had listened to the whole album, but couldn't really remember any of it. Maybe, the robots have included hidden messages inside the music to control our brains.

DO NOT BUY THIS ALBUM, IT CONTROLS YOUR BRAIN!

Although, it might be good to listen to this while trying to get to sleep, as it will help.

Listen to this album: In Bed
59%

Lethal Bizzle - Back to Bizznizz

Whenever I say the name Lethal Bizzle to somebody, it sounds like a cartoon character. When he says it himself on the album, it sounds like a cartoon character, but one who will shoot you in the face.

Back to Bizznizz puts me in mind of text messages.
You only have a small amount of space to put as much information as possible, so you condense it all into the smallest space possible, forgetting punctuation and spelling.
Bizzle came only 6 words short of becoming the most economic rapper ever in terms of words per minute per song.

My brain, being the slowest muscle in my body, could not keep up with the speed of this album, and used my computer to slow the album down but it was still far to fast for me.

This, being English rap, has an atmosphere of politeness, that the US counterpart does not contain. If the music of the Blitz had been produced by the urban youths of today, then things would have been quite different....well, they would have been the same, but with people calling each other "blood" and going "brrrap brrrap" while listening to the wireless.

I'd heard loads about Bizzle, but the album was slightly messy, like Emin's bed...except Emin's bed was really shit and not art and Bizzle's music is quite good.

Listen to this album: Parked at night, drinking cheap booze.

75%

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Raising Sand



This album was originally released as a soundtrack to a film about a middle class brothel called "Middle Class Brothel". This film followed the exact same storyline as Moulin Rouge, except without the singing and dancing, or the ridiculous plot devices or the death or the pantomime.

Since the film flopped, they decided to release the album, but the tone and style of the film still remains in the music. It seems to contain all of the elements of something that should be happy and nice, but just makes you feel just a little bit tragic and I find myself crying on the bus while listening to this album.

Some of these songs were written in the sewers of Paris, and thus, when listening to them, you begin to smell of human excrement.

I feel that people will feel like this album talks directly to them...but I my case, it is true, as the track "Please Read The Letter" was actually written for me, to remind me to read the letter.

Listen to this album: While looking at renascence art

83%

Freeway - Free at last



Named after a road.

I had never heard of this artist, but when I did, Then I had.
'Free at last' has a lot of bounce and jive. So much, in fact that my mp3 player jumped out of my pocket and started body popping.

This album smell of the attics of rappers. It has an old feel to it, like you want to touch it gently in case it falls apart. I feel slightly dirty owning this album on mp3, and not on vinyl, as it is clearly meant for that medium. You can hear the history of the development of rap with this album, and this is a good thing. In the modern age, where rap is all about the bling, Freeway is about hard graft and life.

Listen to this album: While taking drugs

88%

Shaggy - Intoxication

The next album from the tongueless wonder.

Shaggy, born "Shag Gy" in 1977, was born with the rather unfortunate condition of having no tongue but this did not deter him from his dream of becoming a reggae rap star.
This new album does not falter from Shaggy's boombastic style and continues in the same track as his previous works.
Shaggy became a music sensation after quitting his previous job of private investigator with a team of youngsters and a dog, but gave it up when he found out that there was a far more successful dog and man investigation team.

Shaggy has been criticised as being the sole factor in the decline of literacy in the UK. I broke into the Daily Mail office and stole this article off the press.

"Shaggy is the sole factor in the decline of literacy in the UK"

I knew that this article would damage Shaggy's career, so I tore it up and threw it in the bin, because I wouldn't want Shaggy to be damaged in such a way.

Anyway, to the new album. Each song makes you feel like you are in a rap video and makes you want to pimp walk your way down the street, hi-fiveing people who are walking past and looking at women's bottoms.

The track "Wear Di-crown" is about the death of the former Princess of Wales and puts more evidence to the conspiracy that she was killed in a car crash.

All of the other songs are about money and hoes.

Listen to this song: Loud in a cool car.

84%